During visits back home to the U.K. its catch up time for family and friends, some of whom hadn’t been seen for years (and many I wished had remained so) My Mom was a great giver and inviter of parties and no-one dared refuse. These DO’S were usually held in a little back street working mans club, where my Mom was on the Ladies Committee so everyone had to give in and go.

There was barely room to swing a cat (though why anyone would want to swing a cat – cruelty I call it) The chairs and tables were lined in rows down a long dingy room smelling of stale beer and cigarettes, with a small stage and dance floor the size of a postage stamp at the top.

Food would be laid out on a trestle tap near the stage and such wonderful delacies as cheese and pineapple on a stick, black pudding and cheese on a square of bread, ham cobs, pork pies by the dozen, pickled onions, pickled eggs, beetroot and cucumber were in a huge dishes alongside Birds Eye Trifles, cheesecakes and of course eccles cakes (Oh be still my beating heart)

The music usually consisted of an aging DJ with a sparkly jacket and a toupee combed across a balding head. He would speak into a microphone held very close to his greasy lips and speak in a foreign language (at least I think it was foreign) no-one could understand a word he said.

Usually the night began by the playing of Waltzing Matilda (a song I never liked) and the fun would start. Within minutes the bar would be full of Men’s bums leaning over and trying to order pints and the like. As the night wore on and people got merrier several relatives (some who I swore had died years before) approached me and asked the daftest questions. Here for your enjoyment are some of the comments and my answers (not out loud just in my head):-

Haven’t seen you for a while have you been away?

(A) Yes only a short holiday 20 years or so!

You don’t get any thinner do you?

(A) No but you don’t get any prettier and I can slim!

Why you want to live the other side of the world beats me!

(A) Maybe I’m just one of those funny English people who like to try something different!

Have you got kangaroo’s in your garden?

(A) Yes we grow them by the dozen!

Have you got a garden or do you live in the bush?

(A) We actually live in a house since the Ozzies discovered bricks!

Have you got flushing toilets in Australia?

(A) No we go behind a tree like everyone else!

What’s the food like?

(A) Do you thing I like being this fat?

Are those Aboriginals a bit savage?

(A) Yes especially when you head butt them!

Do you know Mrs Smith (Jones, Brown, etc) who lives in Australia somewhere?

(A)Yes, passed her one day when we were in Sydney, she sent her regards!

I nearly emigrated once, but thought all that sunshine would get me down!

(A) I must admit its hard going to work when the sun is shining and never having to wear winter clothes again!

Australia is not all milk and honey and you have to work here too if you want a better life. Apart from several items of food (as previously mentioned) there are a few things that I miss.

Springtime when the daffodils are out.

Brit’s obsession with the weather.

A new fall of snow when everything is silent and all is covered in a huge white blanket.

Squirrels.

Hedgehogs.

A good old pub with a roaring fire.

Soft rain.

The smell when you walk into Marks and Spencers (really nice and yummy)

Blackpool.

The Bull Ring Centre in Birmingham (great shopping)

Family especially Family.

To be continued……………..